Posts tagged ‘letter’

Never Miss a Chance

“Never miss a chance to say I love you,” she said, but I have missed them all. I screamed it loud in my head, dripped it from every pore, hinted at every turn implied it with sacrifice  but still I could not bring myself to say the words. And it wasn’t good enough.

I tricked myself into believing that it would be good enough so long as you only knew, but it wasn’t. Oh yes, you knew, and you joined the games, leaving hints at every turn. But if it was ever enough, I wouldn’t be holding on to this regret.

I’m sure it’s too late now, but I need you to know, I really did love you. I trusted you with all of my being and that trust has never wavered. I wish the best for you,  and all the other happy cliches,  because the truth is I let you go not once but twice because all I ever wanted was for you to be happy and I knew you’d never truly be happy if you gave up your dreams for someone else, even me.

Please don’t feel bad about anything that did or didn’t happen between us, because I’ve never regretted a single second except the ones in which I hesitated to show you that I cared. And if I could do it all again, I know I’d muddle through every second of those mistakes just for a few hours at your side. Because the truth is, it’s always been you. This blog is my heart, and it’s all a testament to you.  The times that I wanted you, times you inspired me, times that fear and unfinished business with others kept me away from you.

But now it’s time to let it go. Because I loved you, but it wasn’t meant for us. And holding in now can only make it worse. So when we meet again in the next life, I hope it’s just as messy and beautiful. I hope you set fire to my soul and rip my soul to shreds. I want to know that I’m alive, and the colors were always brighter with you.

I wish safe journeys, Wanderer, until we meet again. Never lose faith and keep the fires burning.

Yours truly,


Diary – Peace

Are you really so far from who I thought you were?  Is that why you chose to hide?  Or is it that you are easily led astray?  You couldn’t handle my love, the kind with reciprocity.  You only wanted to give, while I wanted give and take.  And now I see, you may not have been what I thought at all.  You proclaim a path of openness, showing yourself to the world.  Instead, you hide in the shadows, showing your true self to no one.  You will make up excuses for who you are, so that you’ll be accepted.  Once, you had me, ready to accept you exactly as you are, but that wasn’t what you wanted.  You want to feel persecuted, abused.  I think you really do want to be abused.  I’m sorry, but I can’t do that.  I couldn’t hurt you if you made me hate you.  I don’t think it would be right.  The worst I will do is to move on, to walk away, to leave you to yourself.  You love the chase, but I couldn’t play the games right.  I couldn’t see any sense in pretending like you didn’t have me when I knew that you did.  I’m sorry that you feel that way, that you have to be constantly in pursuit, but that’s just not who I am, nor will I ever be.

Seeing this today, knowing what you are, is strange.  I feel nothing for you anymore, the love I once felt is long gone.  I already knew that, but today I know without a shadow of a doubt that it’s true.    I hope one day you will learn who you are too, and maybe you will see your mistakes.  I hope, for your sake, that you do, because you are only hurting yourself.  Knowing that use to make me sad, but now it’s just a fact of life.

I hope that one day I’ll find someone who saw me the way you did.  Someone who saw past my mistakes to the heart of gold inside, and wanted me to see.  And just so you know, I am finally seeing that woman you know.  The woman who is caring and compassionate, deep as the ocean.  The one whose entrance lights up a room, and makes everyone feel better about themselves.  The one who sees the good in people, and values them for who they are instead of who they were.  I hope I never forget who I am again.  You saved my life that night, but I’m sure you already knew that.

I have to remember that words are just words.  They have power, for sure, but only as much power as we allow.  These words that people use, trying to frame me up in a neat little package, well, they may work for them, but saying them doesn’t make them true.  I’m the only one who knows what goes on behind these brown eyes.  I alone know my true motives and emotions.  I alone have the power to let myself hurt or heal.  And I have been healing.  I’ve been dealing with the pain and worry over what others think of me only to realize that none of it mattered.  It’s my pain, my worry, mine to own or release.

Tonight, I am finally feeling peace.  Not contentment or happiness, but true peace.  I have everything I need to move forward, and that is what I intend to do.  I no longer need to hold on to the hurt, anger, or resentment to survive.  I am surviving, or rather, I already survived.  I’m here, and I’m alive.  I’m moving forward in my life, and letting go of bad habits, while embracing the good ones.  I’m ready and open to new experiences.  I’m ready to let others in my life, and not wonder whether they are going to let me down.  The only one responsible for holding me up is me.  I will do my best to hold my own, and treat others as I should have all along–like a bonus in life.  I choose who’s a part of my life.  I will choose people who are supportive of me, and won’t try to tear me down.

To my Husband: You Changed My Life.

February 12, 2010

My dear husband, you have changed my life forever.  You have blessed me with a beautiful daughter.  You have blessed me with the ability to take care of myself.  You have blessed me with the confidence to believe in myself.  You have blessed me with self-esteem.  You did not build me up, nor did you help me along my path.  Still, you have blessed me with these things.  Your neglect of me taught me to help myself, because no one else would.  Your unkind words led me to look for self-help, which I found and used to transform my own thoughts.  Your lack of involvement with me and our children made my relationship with them stronger.

You tried to tear me down, to wear on my spirit.  You succeeded, until the point where there was barely any of my spirit left.  You wore me down to the point where I would rather have died than to continue to live such an unnoticed existence.  I lived a life where I felt worthless and unloved.  But on the brink of death, I knew something had to change.  I had to change. I found an inner strength I have never known, and began rebuilding the girl inside.  The beautiful woman you see standing before you today is not a product of your hate, but a consequence.  She is a product of her own inner strength, and no more will you or anyone else be allowed to steal her spirit.