Posts tagged ‘disillusionment’


carousel horse

Here we are on the carousel of life, riding the highs and lows,
Only to discover that we were running in circles all along.
Once our visions were grand, beautiful, magical.
On closer inspection, we realize that it’s not what we thought at all.
Paint is chipped, all is dirty, and parts are broken.
The lights hid what we did not want to see, and instead
Showed us what they wanted us to believe was true.


Diary – Peace

Are you really so far from who I thought you were?  Is that why you chose to hide?  Or is it that you are easily led astray?  You couldn’t handle my love, the kind with reciprocity.  You only wanted to give, while I wanted give and take.  And now I see, you may not have been what I thought at all.  You proclaim a path of openness, showing yourself to the world.  Instead, you hide in the shadows, showing your true self to no one.  You will make up excuses for who you are, so that you’ll be accepted.  Once, you had me, ready to accept you exactly as you are, but that wasn’t what you wanted.  You want to feel persecuted, abused.  I think you really do want to be abused.  I’m sorry, but I can’t do that.  I couldn’t hurt you if you made me hate you.  I don’t think it would be right.  The worst I will do is to move on, to walk away, to leave you to yourself.  You love the chase, but I couldn’t play the games right.  I couldn’t see any sense in pretending like you didn’t have me when I knew that you did.  I’m sorry that you feel that way, that you have to be constantly in pursuit, but that’s just not who I am, nor will I ever be.

Seeing this today, knowing what you are, is strange.  I feel nothing for you anymore, the love I once felt is long gone.  I already knew that, but today I know without a shadow of a doubt that it’s true.    I hope one day you will learn who you are too, and maybe you will see your mistakes.  I hope, for your sake, that you do, because you are only hurting yourself.  Knowing that use to make me sad, but now it’s just a fact of life.

I hope that one day I’ll find someone who saw me the way you did.  Someone who saw past my mistakes to the heart of gold inside, and wanted me to see.  And just so you know, I am finally seeing that woman you know.  The woman who is caring and compassionate, deep as the ocean.  The one whose entrance lights up a room, and makes everyone feel better about themselves.  The one who sees the good in people, and values them for who they are instead of who they were.  I hope I never forget who I am again.  You saved my life that night, but I’m sure you already knew that.

I have to remember that words are just words.  They have power, for sure, but only as much power as we allow.  These words that people use, trying to frame me up in a neat little package, well, they may work for them, but saying them doesn’t make them true.  I’m the only one who knows what goes on behind these brown eyes.  I alone know my true motives and emotions.  I alone have the power to let myself hurt or heal.  And I have been healing.  I’ve been dealing with the pain and worry over what others think of me only to realize that none of it mattered.  It’s my pain, my worry, mine to own or release.

Tonight, I am finally feeling peace.  Not contentment or happiness, but true peace.  I have everything I need to move forward, and that is what I intend to do.  I no longer need to hold on to the hurt, anger, or resentment to survive.  I am surviving, or rather, I already survived.  I’m here, and I’m alive.  I’m moving forward in my life, and letting go of bad habits, while embracing the good ones.  I’m ready and open to new experiences.  I’m ready to let others in my life, and not wonder whether they are going to let me down.  The only one responsible for holding me up is me.  I will do my best to hold my own, and treat others as I should have all along–like a bonus in life.  I choose who’s a part of my life.  I will choose people who are supportive of me, and won’t try to tear me down.

Stream of Consciousness: Information Overload

The images pass by so quickly, falling through my head and scattering on the floor.  I don’t think I can handle more.  Praise to God and the army, government has failed us, and we have failed ourselves.  Let them spill the blood of children on the eager waiting ground.  Not a sound is heard, over here.  Day in, day out, it’s just my job after all.  Answering the government’s beckon call.  What sweet lovers we make, curled up in bed talking about the future.  He says he won’t hurt me anymore, must be a solemn promise.  I won’t have to do his dirty work anymore.  After all, he has been good to me hasn’t he?  Gave me a place to stay and food to eat, even put me through school.  I’d kill and die for him, even when I know he’s wrong.  That’s how good lovers are.

The soldiers are coming home, but I haven’t seen ’em.  All I see are these boxes with the flags draped over, and the stone boy who refuses to shed a tear.

The information keeps coming in.  We’re all in sin, we’re all going to hell, we’re all going to die.  Nevermind those on the front lines.  Time to complain, but what is it this time?  Have we all lost our minds?  The teaching’s just not good enough, it’s never gonna sink in.  Can’t let ’em learn too much about the wars, they might realize a thing or two about this one.  Can’t teach ’em to think for themselves, or they’ll figure it out anyway.  Can’t teach ’em anything at all, ’cause then they might learn something.  Better to split up the answers into neat, conforming packages.  We’ll spoon feed it with some sugar to help the bitter medicine go down.  Ah, you frown now, but it’ll get better, you’ll see.  We’re all gonna live like Ray Bradbury said in Fahrenheit 451, tvs on the walls to keep us company, no reason to need those pesky little thoughts.  Let the brain die out, it’s not needed anyway.  We’ll all just do what they say.  Controlling every part of our lives to serve their pissing matches.

Worst of all, when did I stop caring?  I remember the days when I protested at every chance, and not just me either.  How long has it been since I’ve heard a solid argument about it?  How long since I sought one out?  No, I just crawled into my hole, and let the world move on without me.  Too afraid to speak because someone might hear my voice.  Like a child, I hid and waited.  Let the grown ups handle this.  It’s none of my business after all.  What happened to that bright future of mine, changing the world one step at a time?  What happened to the message?  Lost into myself I hid away from everyone, digging deeper, finally losing touch with reality until it came crashing down on me.  Chained by my own self, lying on the ground, like a discarded piece of trash.  No one recognized that bundle lying on the floor, so far from what it once was.  Pathetic.

We can all be whatever we want to be, if we try hard enough.  I use to think that meant that we could have whatever we wanted, and I knew that wasn’t true.  But that’s not what it meant at all.  We focus so hard on the end result that we forget where to begin.  Sure, we can be what we want, but first we have to know what we want.  What do we want to accomplish?  Then we have to know who we already are.  You can’t make the appropriate changes if you don’t know what the hell you’ve already got.  Sometimes a few minor alterations are all that’s needed.  Sometimes you got to bull doze the whole damn shack and start over.

The storm brews in my mind, the turmoil and tumult of ideas rushing through, scattering on the floor like millions of marbles garbled in the aftermath of the destruction of me.


…creeping in,
My old friend.
I know your games, but
I don’t
Wanna play them this time.
Won’t let me
Lose my mind.

Gotta know
What’s for real
This thing I feel

Something new or
Something old
Something brave
And something bold…

Or will you leave me
Feeling cold?

I feel you getting under my skin,
Begging me to let you in;
Trying to make me
Lose myself…
But not this time, my friend.

Chains of Freedom

no one left who cares
no one spares
a single thought for me–
finally free.

no one to love,
no one to hurt,
None to criticize,
or make me feel like dirt.

I’m gonna run,
Live like a Gypsy–
Far from home,
Finally Free.

Start a new life,
One without strife….
none to know the real me;
all will know my mask.

What’s the point of honesty,
if “true love” never lasts?