Posts tagged ‘depression’

Shattered Dreams

I thought things were looking up, but now I’m watching a familiar scene, as all my dreams are slowly shattered. The pieces fall like sand between my fingers, fragments of the might-have-beens. I wish it were just myself affected, but I know it’s always something more. All I want is a bit of stability, but it’s nowhere to be found.

At times like this, I hate him more.  I hate him for all that he was and all that he wasn’t.  I hate him for not being what I needed.  I hate him for leaving me in this predicament.  I hate that if I’d never met him at all, my life would have continued along a better path.  I hate that all the choices I made that led me to this particular hell were made based on the greater good of my family.  I hate the irony of those very same choices being the things that have me in this hell where I can’t take care of my family without him.  Most of all, I hate that I can’t truly blame this on him, because the choices were mine to make, most especially the choices I made leading up to our marriage.  At any point, I could have made better choices, and would not have been stuck here like I am today.


I knew divorce would change my life, but I wasn’t sure exactly how it would happen.  I prepared for the worst, but hoped for the best.  I never counted on being stuck.  It literally feels like my life has come to a complete stand still.  We can never go back, we can only move forward–that’s what I was told.  Nobody prepared me for being stuck.

Just enough to get by, and nothing more.  I keep looking for a way to move this along in a positive direction, but I’m finding nothing.  Every plan I make falls apart.  The only options left are to remain stuck, or make a choice for the worse in the hopes of giving things a kick start.  I try to plan my priorities, but nothing makes sense anymore.



Masochism [Car Diary]

My heart’s already broken
Bleeding on the floor
You hold the knife–
Still, I’m begging you for more

And so you ask the question
“Just how much can you take?”
I know that I should leave,
But instead say, “Let it break…”


Where did I go?
I thought I was right here
But now I’ve disappeared

How long until
I find myself
How long before
I can stand
On my own?

Don’t want to be
The broken girl
The one who’s lost
Her way.

Wish I was
Here to stay.


originally posted  July 8, 2006 on Myspace


the world crashes down beneath my feet and i am left,
i should be worried but i am at home.  in my death i feel secure.


such a creeping thing that overtakes me, and i am whole again.

is it the end of the world? the end of life?
it is just the end of my soul…

and the beginning

of me

The Breakdown

Originally posted Feb. 2, 2010 on Blogger.  This is a fictional story, partially based on events in my life.  My husband had made it so that I didn’t feel like I could trust him anymore, and though I did fear he was cheating on me, I never got any hard proof.  The feelings described, however, were very, very real.


Anna sighed to herself.  No one was around to see her pain, writhing inside of her like something alien trying to escape.  She’d suspected this all along, but now she had the proof.  She knew it was wrong, but she’d installed spyware on the computer that she shared with her boyfriend.  Now, staring her in the face, was a naked Gina, or at least a screenshot of her.  And the text of the IM, where her boyfriend described explicitly what he was going to do to her.  Anna had deluded herself into thinking that this wasn’t happening–couldn’t happen.  Gina may be his ex-girlfriend, but she’d moved on.  They’d both moved on… and Gina was even engaged!

She knew she should just close down the program.  Break up with him, handle business.  But she couldn’t stop staring.  She should be feeling sad, balling her eyes out, or maybe even getting angry.  Instead, she felt nothing.  An empty ache had grown inside of her, made her nauseous.  She felt like dying, or was she already dead?  But if she were dead, surely she wouldn’t be seeing that image anymore.  She could feel herself fading, as if she could just die without killing herself.  She simply wished for it to be, and that was enough.  Her vision blurred as she felt her fire smoldering out.