Archive for January, 2011

Shattered Dreams

I thought things were looking up, but now I’m watching a familiar scene, as all my dreams are slowly shattered. The pieces fall like sand between my fingers, fragments of the might-have-beens. I wish it were just myself affected, but I know it’s always something more. All I want is a bit of stability, but it’s nowhere to be found.

At times like this, I hate him more.  I hate him for all that he was and all that he wasn’t.  I hate him for not being what I needed.  I hate him for leaving me in this predicament.  I hate that if I’d never met him at all, my life would have continued along a better path.  I hate that all the choices I made that led me to this particular hell were made based on the greater good of my family.  I hate the irony of those very same choices being the things that have me in this hell where I can’t take care of my family without him.  Most of all, I hate that I can’t truly blame this on him, because the choices were mine to make, most especially the choices I made leading up to our marriage.  At any point, I could have made better choices, and would not have been stuck here like I am today.

Stuck.

I knew divorce would change my life, but I wasn’t sure exactly how it would happen.  I prepared for the worst, but hoped for the best.  I never counted on being stuck.  It literally feels like my life has come to a complete stand still.  We can never go back, we can only move forward–that’s what I was told.  Nobody prepared me for being stuck.

Just enough to get by, and nothing more.  I keep looking for a way to move this along in a positive direction, but I’m finding nothing.  Every plan I make falls apart.  The only options left are to remain stuck, or make a choice for the worse in the hopes of giving things a kick start.  I try to plan my priorities, but nothing makes sense anymore.

Stuck.

heartache

How can you miss what was never yours?
I feel you sometimes, you know.
I don’t know how you got so far under my skin,
Yet I know that you’re a part of me now.
The troubled state of my soul
Rests on visions of you.
Once you felt more real, but now
I watch you return to the mists.
Will you return?
Please, don’t be gone long.
I’ll miss you every second.
I hope you know, my heart
Is in your hands,
Fluttering,
Aching,
Hoping fervently….
You may not know,
I understand.
I hope one day, you will.

Religion = Peace…?

A boy once told me that “our religion” is about finding peace.  That didn’t make sense to me at that time, and it actually upset me a little bit.  Was I going about this whole religion thing wrong?  And who is he to tell me what my religion should mean to me?  I thought about it more and more, waiting for an answer to these and other questions that rose in my mind.

I suppose if you boil religion down to its lowest point, then maybe that’s true.  Ideally, your religion should help you make peace with the world.  What is religion, if not a tool for understanding how the world works and learning how to work with it?  But is that the same as finding peace?

For some, this is definitely true.  Some people follow religions that believe in having love and compassion for all people, forgiving and forgetting, trying to make the world a better place, helping the less fortunate, etc.  I would say that all of those help promote peace.  But does it always bring peace to the soul of the practitioner?

For others, they seek what best benefits themselves.  If you do only what seems right to you, or only what benefits you, regardless of the consequences to anyone else, does this bring peace?  What about atheists, who have only themselves to answer to, do they always have peace?

I think the question of the purpose of religion is much more complex than just finding peace.  I will follow my own religion or spirituality as I see fit.  Will it always bring me peace?  I doubt it.  I believe in doing right by the world, and other people living in it.  But there is not one set of right and wrong answers.  What is right for some will be wrong for others.  Because of this, there will always be conflict.  This conflict will exist in the world, and in my spirit.  I want to protect the environment, my children, my friends, my family.  Sometimes these will conflict with each other, and the result will not be inner peace.

Maybe the Zen Buddhists are right.  Maybe the only way to find true peace is to give up passion.  But to me, to give up passion is too much to bear.  I love the people in my life passionately.  I could not handle the distance from them that would be required to find “peace”.  For me, the conflict is true peace for me.

I may never know for sure what the boy meant with his words, but that’s fine with me.  Not all questions have answers, and sometimes our own answers are more important.

New Year’s Resolutions

I wrote these out on the evening of December 31st, but have been too busy to post them online.  So, without further ado, here’s my list of resolutions.

1.  Practice Yoga every Sunday.  (I have offered my self the reward of taking an actual yoga class if I accomplish my goal through June.)

2.  Spend an hour on reading and writing each week.

3.  Meal plan at least two meals each week.

4.  Add one new allergy fighting food to the menu each month.

5.  Start a square foot garden and compost.
http://www.squarefootgardening.com/

6.  Start an official journal and write in it daily.

7.  Set aside 15 minutes each week to draw.

8.  Make one “green” switch each month.

9.  Make a volunteer effort each month.  (This is intentionally vague–this could be volunteering my time, or donating clothes, or any number of things.)

10.  Follow the FlyLady motto for 2011:  “Let’s go for Seven in 2011!”
http://flylady.net/