Archive for November, 2010

A Letter to the World

Attention, People of the World,

You are not half a person, you are merely imperfect.  You will never be perfect.  You are not broken, and you don’t need to be fixed.  You may be flawed, but so are the rest of us.  When you are willing and able to accept your own flaws, you will be able to accept flaws in others.  When you can love yourself, you will be loved by others.  If you feel you must search for your other half, look inside yourself.  That is the only place you will find it.  To find your whole self, you must confront the fear and darkness within yourself.  Some things you can change, but others you must learn to accept.  Know your darkness, and learn to love it.

Carousel

carousel horse

Here we are on the carousel of life, riding the highs and lows,
Only to discover that we were running in circles all along.
Once our visions were grand, beautiful, magical.
On closer inspection, we realize that it’s not what we thought at all.
Paint is chipped, all is dirty, and parts are broken.
The lights hid what we did not want to see, and instead
Showed us what they wanted us to believe was true.

Diary – Peace

Are you really so far from who I thought you were?  Is that why you chose to hide?  Or is it that you are easily led astray?  You couldn’t handle my love, the kind with reciprocity.  You only wanted to give, while I wanted give and take.  And now I see, you may not have been what I thought at all.  You proclaim a path of openness, showing yourself to the world.  Instead, you hide in the shadows, showing your true self to no one.  You will make up excuses for who you are, so that you’ll be accepted.  Once, you had me, ready to accept you exactly as you are, but that wasn’t what you wanted.  You want to feel persecuted, abused.  I think you really do want to be abused.  I’m sorry, but I can’t do that.  I couldn’t hurt you if you made me hate you.  I don’t think it would be right.  The worst I will do is to move on, to walk away, to leave you to yourself.  You love the chase, but I couldn’t play the games right.  I couldn’t see any sense in pretending like you didn’t have me when I knew that you did.  I’m sorry that you feel that way, that you have to be constantly in pursuit, but that’s just not who I am, nor will I ever be.

Seeing this today, knowing what you are, is strange.  I feel nothing for you anymore, the love I once felt is long gone.  I already knew that, but today I know without a shadow of a doubt that it’s true.    I hope one day you will learn who you are too, and maybe you will see your mistakes.  I hope, for your sake, that you do, because you are only hurting yourself.  Knowing that use to make me sad, but now it’s just a fact of life.

I hope that one day I’ll find someone who saw me the way you did.  Someone who saw past my mistakes to the heart of gold inside, and wanted me to see.  And just so you know, I am finally seeing that woman you know.  The woman who is caring and compassionate, deep as the ocean.  The one whose entrance lights up a room, and makes everyone feel better about themselves.  The one who sees the good in people, and values them for who they are instead of who they were.  I hope I never forget who I am again.  You saved my life that night, but I’m sure you already knew that.

I have to remember that words are just words.  They have power, for sure, but only as much power as we allow.  These words that people use, trying to frame me up in a neat little package, well, they may work for them, but saying them doesn’t make them true.  I’m the only one who knows what goes on behind these brown eyes.  I alone know my true motives and emotions.  I alone have the power to let myself hurt or heal.  And I have been healing.  I’ve been dealing with the pain and worry over what others think of me only to realize that none of it mattered.  It’s my pain, my worry, mine to own or release.

Tonight, I am finally feeling peace.  Not contentment or happiness, but true peace.  I have everything I need to move forward, and that is what I intend to do.  I no longer need to hold on to the hurt, anger, or resentment to survive.  I am surviving, or rather, I already survived.  I’m here, and I’m alive.  I’m moving forward in my life, and letting go of bad habits, while embracing the good ones.  I’m ready and open to new experiences.  I’m ready to let others in my life, and not wonder whether they are going to let me down.  The only one responsible for holding me up is me.  I will do my best to hold my own, and treat others as I should have all along–like a bonus in life.  I choose who’s a part of my life.  I will choose people who are supportive of me, and won’t try to tear me down.

Breaking Free [Car Diary]

I’m not up for
Another round of
Dragging my heart
On the ground
While you sleep sound
In your fantasy
With or without me
Now I’m
Breaking free.

Call for Freedom [Car Diary]

make me a free woman
floating on the breeze
gliding over trees

make me a free woman
playing in the meadow
hiding in the shadow

make me a free woman
singing with the flowers
dancing in the showers

make me a free woman
guiding my own power.

Car Diary – Entry #2

Here I am playing super woman again.  Up on top of the world, climb the highest spot, looking down at my domain.

It’s clear to me, this is how it was always meant to be.  Sitting alone, guiding and protecting the fallen.  She’s the only one who sees me.  She’s alone like me and so she understands.  The cycle will play through, again and again.  Can anyone know this burden I keep?  Can anyone help me bear the load?  Or am I meant to be forever alone?

Masochism [Car Diary]

My heart’s already broken
Bleeding on the floor
You hold the knife–
Still, I’m begging you for more

And so you ask the question
“Just how much can you take?”
I know that I should leave,
But instead say, “Let it break…”