Originally posted Feb. 2, 2010 on Blogger.  This is a fictional story, partially based on events in my life.  My husband had made it so that I didn’t feel like I could trust him anymore, and though I did fear he was cheating on me, I never got any hard proof.  The feelings described, however, were very, very real.


Anna sighed to herself.  No one was around to see her pain, writhing inside of her like something alien trying to escape.  She’d suspected this all along, but now she had the proof.  She knew it was wrong, but she’d installed spyware on the computer that she shared with her boyfriend.  Now, staring her in the face, was a naked Gina, or at least a screenshot of her.  And the text of the IM, where her boyfriend described explicitly what he was going to do to her.  Anna had deluded herself into thinking that this wasn’t happening–couldn’t happen.  Gina may be his ex-girlfriend, but she’d moved on.  They’d both moved on… and Gina was even engaged!

She knew she should just close down the program.  Break up with him, handle business.  But she couldn’t stop staring.  She should be feeling sad, balling her eyes out, or maybe even getting angry.  Instead, she felt nothing.  An empty ache had grown inside of her, made her nauseous.  She felt like dying, or was she already dead?  But if she were dead, surely she wouldn’t be seeing that image anymore.  She could feel herself fading, as if she could just die without killing herself.  She simply wished for it to be, and that was enough.  Her vision blurred as she felt her fire smoldering out.