Archive for April, 2010

A Promise to Myself

Originally posted on Blogger, Feb. 25, 2010.

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Love’s the only drug I ever did. The kind of love that feeds an addiction. Fast burning, feeling high, forgetting pain. No more. Now I will search for a wholesome love, one that does not feed on itself, but grows from the magic of the universe. One that is true and grows slow, without unnatural aids but with a steady, nurturing hand. One that is kind and pure, based on what we may do for each other rather than what we may get from each other. I will not settle for less.

To my Husband: You Changed My Life.

February 12, 2010

My dear husband, you have changed my life forever.  You have blessed me with a beautiful daughter.  You have blessed me with the ability to take care of myself.  You have blessed me with the confidence to believe in myself.  You have blessed me with self-esteem.  You did not build me up, nor did you help me along my path.  Still, you have blessed me with these things.  Your neglect of me taught me to help myself, because no one else would.  Your unkind words led me to look for self-help, which I found and used to transform my own thoughts.  Your lack of involvement with me and our children made my relationship with them stronger.

You tried to tear me down, to wear on my spirit.  You succeeded, until the point where there was barely any of my spirit left.  You wore me down to the point where I would rather have died than to continue to live such an unnoticed existence.  I lived a life where I felt worthless and unloved.  But on the brink of death, I knew something had to change.  I had to change. I found an inner strength I have never known, and began rebuilding the girl inside.  The beautiful woman you see standing before you today is not a product of your hate, but a consequence.  She is a product of her own inner strength, and no more will you or anyone else be allowed to steal her spirit.

The Breakdown

Originally posted Feb. 2, 2010 on Blogger.  This is a fictional story, partially based on events in my life.  My husband had made it so that I didn’t feel like I could trust him anymore, and though I did fear he was cheating on me, I never got any hard proof.  The feelings described, however, were very, very real.

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Anna sighed to herself.  No one was around to see her pain, writhing inside of her like something alien trying to escape.  She’d suspected this all along, but now she had the proof.  She knew it was wrong, but she’d installed spyware on the computer that she shared with her boyfriend.  Now, staring her in the face, was a naked Gina, or at least a screenshot of her.  And the text of the IM, where her boyfriend described explicitly what he was going to do to her.  Anna had deluded herself into thinking that this wasn’t happening–couldn’t happen.  Gina may be his ex-girlfriend, but she’d moved on.  They’d both moved on… and Gina was even engaged!

She knew she should just close down the program.  Break up with him, handle business.  But she couldn’t stop staring.  She should be feeling sad, balling her eyes out, or maybe even getting angry.  Instead, she felt nothing.  An empty ache had grown inside of her, made her nauseous.  She felt like dying, or was she already dead?  But if she were dead, surely she wouldn’t be seeing that image anymore.  She could feel herself fading, as if she could just die without killing herself.  She simply wished for it to be, and that was enough.  Her vision blurred as she felt her fire smoldering out.

Rain

Today we’re having torrential, tornado rains.  They started last night, while I was working.  Everyone else was upset by the rain, but I loved it.  It feels so cleansing and powerful, not a natural rain at all.  It soaked through to my very soul, and has inspired me to write about it.

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The rain is splashing on the ground
I listen to the peaceful sound

Rain that heals; rain that frees.
My thoughts now wander on the breeze.

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Blessed rain
Wash my soul
Cleanse my heart
Make me whole

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Losing my Lover

Just a bit I wrote down today.  Needs a ton of work, let me know what you think.

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I wanna be your light
In the dark, shining bright,
Standing by your side.

I wanna be your hand to hold.
I wanna let you know,
You’re not alone.

Baby, my heart is in your hand,
Slipping through like sand,
But what can I do?

I know life is getting tough,
But I only want you…
Just to be with you.
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